SUBJECT: Don’t stop at Dunkin’
Mr. Secretary — do you mind if I call you Bobby?
Let me get right to it. President Trump has lost his mojo.
He’s a big, fat lame duck — more focused on extorting money from billionaires and cosplaying as Darth Sidious — than making America great again. Nick Fuentes and his Groypers smell blood. JD Vance is laying low, hoping to avoid collateral damage from his boss’s foreign misadventures.
But MAHA? It has a healthy future! Play it right and you and Cheryl could be hosting huge parties like Jack and Jackie in the new ballroom come 2029.
The light dawned over Marblehead when I read your comments about Dunkin’, a friend of Matt Damon’s and Ben Affleck’s but a true enemy of the people. America doesn’t run on burnt Dunkin’ coffee and its greasy fried egg sandwiches. It runs, like you say, on red meat and raw milk (well, whole milk these days).
At a recent rally in Texas, you created a media stir when you hinted at the coming crackdown on the scourge of Canton: “Show us the safety data that show that it’s OK for a teenage girl to drink an iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in it.”
The Globe story sparked a fair amount of criticism (“Do we want our food regulated by a guy who brags that he used to sniff coke off a toilet seat?”). But this is enemy territory, the land of Massholes who think you betrayed the legacy of your father and uncles. Ignore them.
Bobby, I was no fan of your run for president. Same goes for your sucking up to Trump, your COVID conspiracy theories, and your hyping of dubious scientific claims. (But propping up that dead bear cub on a bike in Central Park? Dude, that was hilarious!)
To be honest, I thought you were a brainworm-addled bozo who was exploiting the Kennedy name to spout nonsense that left the rest of the family ashamed. But I was wrong. So wrong.
Trump’s obsessions — tariffs, undocumented “murderers and rapists,” rigged elections — were effective in 2024. But what about the midterms? And 2028? People are tired of the same old song.
You’ve tapped into the future. You understand what Americans are most scared of: sugar in their coffee, fries made with vegetable oil, nonfat milk (can they even call it milk with no fat?), whole grains, and that freakin’ rainbow coalition of food dyes. Junk science isn’t the ticket to the White House. Junk food is.
Bobby, instead of spending $6 billion a day bombing Iran, Trump should be using that money on your war to make America healthy again.
But as you know, the president doesn’t do anything small. And Dunkies is barely on his radar (though I’d bet he’s snarfed down a few Munchkins over the years).
You have to go big, Bobby, and I’ve got the perfect way to grab the people’s — and POTUS’s — attention.
Forget about your upside-down food pyramid. Booooring!
It’s time for “America’s Most Wanted Food.”
Posters all over the country — restaurants, supermarkets, billboards — and a splashy social media campaign that will put Kristi Noem to shame. You can stage nighttime rallies across the land with giant bonfires and young, fit American kids (boys in jeans, no shirts; girls in floral dresses) tossing all that garbage food into the flames.
Let me pitch some candidates for the most-wanted list. Yes, I know these are among the country’s most popular foods. But they are a danger to the American way of life. People will learn: being a MAHA warrior entails sacrifice.
- 10. Pop-Tarts
- 9. Oreos
- 8. KFC Famous Bowl
- 7. Froot Loops
- 6. Outback Bloomin’ Onion
- 5. Mrs. Fields Cookie Sandwich
- 4. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
- 3. Taco Bell Chicken Bacon Ranch Street Chalupas
- 2. Twinkies
- 1. Cinnabon Classic Roll
There are hundreds more where these came from. You’ll never run out junk food scapegoats.
Bobby, Mr. Secretary, the time to strike is now — while the steak-laden grill is hot. The people need to know that food is what you kill in the woods or run over on the highway.
The Democrats cheated you out of the nomination. Trump has checked out. It’s time for you to make America — and the Kennedy name — great again.
Larry Edelman can be reached at larry.edelman@globe.com.
