We truly are living in Idiocracy.
Right now, we are dealing with a federal government that is almost completely run by dude-bros who either peaked in high school or have never gotten over being unpopular with girls when they were teens. The red-pillification of the White House already had President Donald Trump making wild and delusional claims that he’s in better physical shape than Barack Obama, and “Secretary of War” Pete Hegseth lecturing seasoned military leaders about “warrior ethos” while essentially telling them they’re too fat to fit the standard of manly-men. And that was before Hegseth mused about the U.S. Military cutting all ties with the Boy Scouts, now Scouting America, due to the “gender confusion” that would surely come from allowing boys to associate with girls, or whatever.
Now, FBI Director Kash Patel is out here looking like more of a dweeb than he did when he was fanboying in the U.S Men’s Olympic hockey team‘s locker room last month — while announcing that FBI agents will be trained for combat by UFC fighters.
*sigh*
What are we even doing here?
Now, to be fair, Patel hasn’t implemented a permanent program in which federal agents are trained in the field by mixed martial arts entertainers (not yet, anyway). Instead, he announced a two-day “historic seminar” that will take place at the FBI Special Agent Academy in Quantico on March 15 and 16 and is for “academy students as well as senior FBI staff from around the world,” who will receive “insight into UFC fighters’ training methods as well as fighting techniques and tactics,” according to Deadline.
Still, this has “always the Hulkamaniac, never the Hulk Hogan” written all over it. Patel is out here living out childhood dreams that he could only fantasize about when bullies were taking his lunch money and the cool kids were making out in front of his locker between classes. (Sorry, I just can’t imagine Patel as anything but the nerd archetype from every ’90s teen sitcom ever.)
Patel is already a walking mid-life crisis with an FBI badge. He’s a 46-year-old former pencil-pusher who suddenly found himself leading a bureau he had never been a part of prior to his appointment, and now he’s impressing his 20-something girlfriend by having SWAT teams chauffeur them on date night. Now, he’s trying to make the Trump administration cool again by exploiting the popularity of MMA fighters in conservative mouth-breather circles.
Idiocracy was only supposed to be a movie, guys. Now, it’s a future documentary.
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